Published April 20, 2008
You make me want to kiss you,
until the end of day.
You make me want to hold you,
on the beach, watching the sun's ray.
When you touch my feet,
slowly working your way up my legs,
I get all sorts of good vibes,
in all the wrong sorts of places.
You make me want to need you,
forever and ever babe.
You know you want to love me too,
even though you don't know how much I love you.
You make me want to fall on purpose,
just so you can catch me.
Everytime you're around,
C'mon baby, you know I can't breathe.
Watching you makes me want to scream,
only you are in my dreams.
The day you finally decide
to love me will be the day that
I have given up on chasing you.
My heart used to be a rose when I was with you,
but now it is a rose with mildew, because I'm without you.
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140,867 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hello!
The last line is too long, it breaks the rhythm. Also, I think "watching the sun's ray" sounds strange, I know it had to rhyme, but I'm not going to let you away with that excuse. You can always make up another way to say a thing.
Same here; the last line is too long.
I can't spot much originality in this poem. I feel like I've heard all this before. And that Valentine card thing... it's actually just right.
I like the last two stanzas though, I can relate to them. See you around, and good luck!
Demeter xx
this is a good poem. i don't really have any bad vibes about this poem at all. except i just want to comment on the one line where you said "in all the wrong places" i see how it could be in the wrong places, but i got confused for just a moment when you said that, you might want to revise it a little bit into something just a little different to dumb it down for other readers like, you could say instead of that "in all those special places" or things like that. if you get what I'm saying.
XD
I would probably stick with the first line and then throw everything else out. Why? Well, first of all, I am an evil poet. But! But! I would replace the other stuff with imagery such as, "you make me want to kiss you" and then rant about tongues and what not, maybe about how you want him to touch you and where, and just make it really cool like that. Because let's face it... there's not much to this poem right now. But! There could be a lot. So just make it pretty and fill up the spaces with interesting stuff.
Thanks everyone. I really like this poem actually. Oh, and Also thanks for not ripping it to shred, with the exception of, of course, Vernon. No offense Vernon.
This would actually make a good song.
I liked it. At the end where you show that the love has been 'lost'. It's pretty good.
Leja hit the nail on the head this poem gets much too trite and commericial. It appears to be some jaded Greeting Card with some cheap picture of a heart. They don't seem to come from your soul. Worse still you throw too many images at us and essentially bore the readers. A poem like this would be perfect for a blog or journal as you give us no real reason to care.
Further more, the images are all cliche, you never show us why he's like this, never give us any reason to care, never tug at our heart strings. It's nothing new to the board. A poem should come from the heart not a bunch of commericial Valentines Day rubbish. Another perfect media for this would be a Greeting Card.
Overall: You give us no reason to care, it's the same story, a love story so overtold, you need to tell it originally or not at all. Langauge techniques are useful to gain emotion, without any show and telling us the readers quickly grow bored. But, don't despair, just keep reading poetry, good poetry and we'll see.
Good luck
VSN
is it about draco
.
Nope, sorry though
Awww, that's a sweet poem! It conveyed cutesy romantic feelings AND it had a nice flow and rhythm, which isn't always present in a poem.
Hey, thanks.
Nice. It was sentimental and true without feeling too gushy. I don't really like the title, though, for some reason. It was a bit too long. Over all it was an 8.55556/10
hmmh...
hey buddy!!!
I decided to give this a gold star
:O
is it about draco
i very much liked it
look at my work pally
ily
♥
Awww, that's a sweet poem! It conveyed cutesy romantic feelings AND it had a nice flow and rhythm, which isn't always present in a poem. I just had one nitpick...
It should be "until", no?
I liked it! It was really cute! Only thing was, your flow kinda got messed up on some parts (I know, cuz I struggle with flow a lot.)
Like here:
The day you finally decide
to love me will be the day after the day
I have given up on chasing you.
That's cute and sweet, but I had to read it about three times to get teh meaning and the phrasing right in my head.
My heart used to be a rose when I was with you,
but now it is a rose with mildew, because I'm without you.
And the rythm goes off on this.
But otherwise, I loved it!
-Elise
The problem with the repetition is that, while it's cute, it begins to devalue any romantic feelings about halfway through. It becomes formulaic, like giving a generic valentines card instead of a handmade heart. There are a lot of different images here, so many that I can't concentrate on one long enough for it to really be effective. Maybe try looking at one and developing it in particular? The idea of chasing in the second to last stanza could tie everything together nicely. Look closely at the poem as a whole: how does the beginning relate to the end?
I liked it. It was very romantic
!
I love it, excellent rythem, good use of words, I really liked the first few stanzas.